In keeping with the title and theory behind my blog title, I wanted to show real-life today. We all have a habit of posting the best of life and to be honest, I’ve been riding the struggle bus and it’s barreling down a bumpy highway, a little like Interstate 10 in Louisiana. And, if you’ve driven our interstate, you know what I’m talkin’ about.

For the last six years, Trigeminal Neuralgia has infiltrated my life. So much so, that I sometimes forget that I am also dealing with Leukemia. But, in the last two years, I have had to tighten the seatbelt on the struggle bus due to bumps. I was extremely sick in November of 2019 and it’s been an uphill battle trying to adjust chemo meds to do their job. My numbers went from the dangerous high zone to the dangerous low zone and haven’t wanted to hit the normal range. In the meantime, I had gamma radiosurgery for TN. Can we just say that the last year has been a Shitshow?

Face pain, then I hurt my back and was in physical therapy where I caught Covid, which I don’t remember and all my husband will say is if he could have paid someone $500/hour to stay with me, he would have. His anxiety was thru the roof. He said I was really sick and he was beside himself with worry. Then, I had to say goodbye to my German Shepherd, Calypso. I am really struggling with the loss. She was an integral part of my life for ten years; my emotional support. Then, we had the hurricane, which you’ve been reading about. A sister died. I heard one of my daughter’s voices for the first time in twenty+ years. My mother died. Our house is still not back to normal from the hurricane. In fact, I wouldn’t know normal if it slapped me. And my anxiety and depression and PTSD are running rampant.

I’m trying to find a new normal and it keeps eluding me. When I saw this meme, I almost cried. This describes me right now. Raw. Hurt. Devastated. Angry. Happy. Sad. I had a moment with God today. I have many, but today is Good Friday and as I sat in church today, looking at the cross, with tears running down my face, it just hit like a ton of bricks, I am so broken, I was at the foot of the cross, and all I could think of was, “Dear God, it’s me, and I’m broken.”

I am a strong person, a survivor. I compartmentalize and internalize my emotions to protect myself. Pain and abuse will do that to you. My mother was abusive. Then, I went against God’s message and married an abuser. Then, through the process of the divorce, he stole my relationship with my children. During the last twenty-four years, I have had some highs, and some really low, lows. I have often thought I wouldn’t know if I were having a heart attack because of the physical pain my heart feels at being separated from my daughters. Just the weight of that has almost crushed me at times, but I managed to keep upright. I was doing okay with the help of Calypso. And, then I lost Calypso. I think that was my breaking point. The loss.  The emptiness. The desolation. It blew open like a volcano. The damage to my safe place by the massive hurricane sealed the deal.

The struggle bus rolled up and opened the door and I boarded. We’ve been driving around looking for a new normal.