I’ve known I was an INTJ (Myers-Briggs) since high school. At the time, I didn’t understand all the implications of being an introvert and how it affected every decision I made, every friendship I had, and how I viewed the outside world. I just knew that I was misunderstood. I knew I was different, but I didn’t know how or why. I didn’t make friends easily. I didn’t trust easily, in fact, if you actually did make it to the inner sanctum and you betrayed that trust, I could cut you loose without a second thought and it was a done deal. It is actually part of the introvert’s way of coping – it even has a name – Door Slam, although I didn’t know it at the time. For me, it was a coping mechanism.
It would be years later when I began to research and explore my personality that I began to understand myself and by understanding who I was, began to understand how I reacted in certain situations and the consequences of my reaction in those situations. I was able to identify my strengths and weaknesses and begin to make better choices.
Introverts, in general, do not like confrontation. In fact, we avoid it at almost all costs. There is a lot going on inside of an introverts head. We have many voices in our heads, and with that being said, the need for an actual conversation becomes minimal and we tend to be quiet people.
INTJs are one of the rarest personalities in the world, and INTJ women are the rarest, so it goes without saying, we are very misunderstood – sometimes by our selves, but especially those around us.
The more I learn about my personality, the more I am able to look back on situations in my life and understand why I reacted as I did or why others may have formed their own opinions about what actually happened simply by my lack of informing them otherwise. What is obvious to me isn’t always obvious to others.
I have suffered from emotional and verbal abuse throughout most of my life – personal, marriage, and the workplace. I think partly because I was ill-equipped to fight back verbally. I am one of those people who are at a disadvantage when caught off guard. It’s like give me five minutes and I’ll have an answer and confrontations do not work that way. And, when you are in a situation with a bully (abusers) this hesitation will allows them to gain the upper hand.
This definitely put me at a disadvantage during a divorce which left me alienated from my children. They do not see it this way, but it is what it is, and it is parental alienation. I can see where their memories of their childhood could become quietly and quickly distorted when someone they love and trust is telling them that their mother loved one more than the other, and their mom treated them differently, and their mom didn’t mean to leave them, and on and on.
It has never been more evident than this past January when, after a long absence, I tried to contact one of my daughters again. I should not have been surprised but I was when I received a message telling me she didn’t feel loved as a child, but had forgiven me and moved on without me. She also said that she had forgiven her father (the same father who told her she was stupid on a daily basis) and grandmother for they had done and moved on.
I was unprepared for the finality of her answer. If a heart could have stopped beating at that very moment, the moment when the hurt is so deep you can’t breathe, then my heart would have stopped. I love this child. I’ve loved her with a mother’s love so deep, words are incapable of expressing the love. I will always love her. But, that didn’t stop me from questioning what could I have done that made this child feel unloved. I have been begging God for forgiveness and for some type of clarity on how I could have accepted this precious gift from Him and failed to let her know how cherished she was. Every day has been a struggle to understand why some are worth second chances and others aren’t.
I remember carrying her and wanting to protect her from the world. I remember the joy when she was born and the disappointment of her father. I remember thinking this child will know she is loved, always. I would rock her to sleep and then rock her while she slept. I couldn’t bear to put her down in her crib. I just wanted to hold and kiss her. I also remember telling her over and over that I loved her. I guess where I failed, was that I told her over and over in my mind and I now can’t remember if the words ever made it out for her to hear as often as they should have.
I remember the hugs and looks of love that I sent my children and the feelings of adoration I felt. The problem with feelings and looks is that they are not always seen. And, that is where being an introvert enters in. We don’t express ourselves or our feelings as often or as clearly as we should. Feelings can drain us emotionally and stop us from expressing those feelings at times. And, the consequences of this? People can be easily persuaded to think or feel that we don’t love them.
And, I was constantly kept off-balance and on edge by an emotionally abusive marriage. When your energy is consumed with trying to protect your own mental health, you don’t necessarily see the needs of others around you. You simply do the best you can and that is what I did. I did the best I could at the time. Sometimes I think if I had only had the knowledge that I have today, maybe I would have been able to make better choices.
I often wonder if my children took the time to get to know me, as a person, and not their preconceived, influenced opinion, that just maybe they might like me and want me in their lives. But, that would mean taking a risk that they aren’t willing to take. I guess that is how it is with most people. I see so many people, comfortable in their little-controlled world, unwilling to open their minds and take a risk. I believe God calls us to step out of our comfort zone so that we might live as to fulfill his mission for us – and that means being a risk taker at times. As an introvert, that makes life challenging.
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