Is “not enough sex” a daily or weekly argument in your relationship?
Is sex at the bottom of your to-do list after mopping the floors, laundry, and packing the kids’ lunches?
Would you rather catch up on your favorite show than have sex?
Then this book is for you.
Nowadays, women work more than ever; they juggle a career, a household, kids, bills, pets, their own parents and in-laws. In a relationship, marriage to be precise, sex is on a continuum: from hot and sweaty to non-existent. The author has seen numerous couples in therapy, all struggling to make the transition from “I can’t breathe without you” to “I would rather sleep than have sex.” Although most couples experience these changes, many don’t know how to handle them. Women feel exhausted, guilty, and wondering whether they need medication to feel some sort of sexual desire again. Men feel unloved, misunderstood, and highly frustrated. Nobody wins. And sometimes, the table turns and the man has a lower sex drive.
This unique book offers a practical solution that is a great compromise for both genders. It’s fast and easy to implement and maintain. It’s the real deal. The goals are realistic, easily attained, and make an actual difference in the relationship.
Dr. LeMay also talks about the fact that the female and male sex drives are different but there is no reason to apologize for such a difference. There is nothing wrong with women that have a low sex drive and not all men are addicted just because they like sex.
This book offers a compilation of tips and ideas to increase assertiveness and honesty during sex. Finally, the author introduces 10 insights into what affects female sex drive such as husband’s participation in household chores, his effort in looking good for his spouse, and his willingness to accommodate his wife’s sexual needs.
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Dr. Ruxandra LeMay is a licensed psychologist in Phoenix, Arizona. After earning her undergraduate degree in Business Management, she spent 15 years in the corporate business world. While working with numbers and negotiating contracts, she realized that she enjoyed working and motivating co-workers with different personalities and different ways of doing things. She liked working with people, helping them focus on their strengths, and mediating communication with their management or conflict with peers. It was during this time, she decided to dive into the world of psychology. She went back to school and earned her Master’s and Doctorate degrees in Clinical Psychology.During her formal training, she continued with her interest in relationships, this time in family and couples’ therapy: pre-marital education, marriage counseling, and post-divorce mediation. In addition, she worked with adults and adolescents struggling with addiction, anxiety, and mood disorder related issues. Last but not least, as she became a wife and mother, women’s life concerns became another topic of interest. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, ante- and post-partum challenges, low sex drive, and parenting have all been at the forefront of her study for the last ten years.
She has a very direct and practical style. Therapy takes time and money. They are both valuable and she does not want to waste your time or your money. She wants to offer the most effective recommendations that you can implement right away so you can feel immediate relief from whatever it is that you are facing. Her book, blogs, and therapy are all a reflection of her belief that even small changes, if they are the right ones, can make a big difference in someone’s life.
Her latest book is the nonfiction/psychology/self-help book, My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me: The 2-Minute Solution for a Happier Marriage.
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Why write The 2-Minute Solution? Well, at first, because my husband insisted on it. I can’t tell you how many times we have argued over whether this book will make a difference. In his mind, he is fighting on behalf of all the married men who are possibly misunderstood and sexually and emotionally deprived, and he strongly believes that this book will help many.
Interestingly enough, while the psychologist in me totally agrees with him, the female part of my brain continues to side with the stereotypical question: “Why does he care about sex that much?” This is kind of crazy, because I didn’t have this question when we first started dating. Honestly, I probably would have felt confused if he hadn’t cared about sex back then.
How did it all start? Well, we have been together for seventeen years and married for twelve years. We definitely think of our relationship in BC and AC terms – that is, “before and after children.” Our children are the most amazing people in our lives, and we are a hundred times happier and more content since they were born. They are also the reason for a lot of changes in our lives.
Before children, our lives consisted of work, lots of spontaneous date nights, movie marathons, and a whole lot more adrenaline between the sheets.
After children, our lives consist of getting dressed, making breakfast, packing lunches, getting dressed (did I say that already? That’s because I’ll bet one of us is not dressed yet), brushing teeth, driving kids to school, picking kids up from school, doing homework, taking kids to sports practice, getting dinner ready, feeding everyone, washing everyone, reading stories, and getting ready for the next day. Did we feed the dogs? How about the turtles? Or the fish? Are we done for today? Because I just want to get some sleep before we do it all over again tomorrow. A few years ago, there was a mom on YouTube who could sing her entire daily routine in one minute. Back then, when I was single, I thought she was weird. Today, I am that mother.
On the rare occasions when I go out to Happy Hour with my girlfriends, also mothers, we compare notes about our kids, about our spouses, and most often about how tired we are. And with that, occasionally we laugh about how our intimate lives have changed. Because I am a fairly private person, I am not quite ready to dive into specific details about how my sex life has evolved in the last eight years, but let’s just say that it has morphed into something a lot less steamy and romantic and a lot more practical.
This brings us to how the idea behind this book was born. Fortunately, while all of these changes were taking place, I was also getting a graduate degree in psychology. Both my husband and I agree that psychology kept us together, helped us grow, and allowed us to truly learn about each other.
As a child of divorced parents, I have developed an interest in how relationships start, maintain, and end, so it was a natural progression to focus on couples’ therapy during my graduate studies. Over time, I have gathered a lot of notes from the hundreds of books and articles, hours of therapy work with clients, and conversations with friends and relatives, and I have used many quotes and ideas from these sources in my writing.
Although there are a number of good books on sex, marriage, and communication, I have always found that most of the couples’ books are too long, are too complex, and try to cover too many intricate aspects of a relationship. Many readers get lost in all of the information and have a difficult time finding areas of focus or ideas that could be immediately applied to day-to-day life, so they can experience the much-needed relief in a timely manner.
Becoming a wife and a mother helped me develop a different and much better way of understanding and relating to my clients than any of the theories covered in graduate school. I realized that most of these books, although great resources, are often difficult to implement when your daily routine is as chaotic as I described earlier. Thus, I have tried to simplify the process of marital therapy to five key elements: sex, communication, financial matters, parenting, and dealing with in-laws (extended family).
This book will cover only two of these areas: sex and communication. I generally believe that if spouses are able to manage these two areas, they will have a significantly easier time working out the others.
I won’t lie. Marriage is hard. Once the blinding lust is gone, marriage is work. It is about constant compromise, scheduling, taking turns, sharing, and giving up personal likes for the benefit of the children and the integrity of the relationship. And even if you manage to get all of this right, there isn’t a guarantee that the relationship will survive. It ultimately comes down to the ability of each spouse to let go, as well as the partners’ level of optimism, sense of humor, and degree of commitment.
Obviously, when a marriage becomes work (and it will), the quantity and quality of sex change. This is not my opinion; this is just a fact of life. It simply depends on how much it changes. If it disappears or if it becomes the topic of excruciatingly painful daily conversations, you and/or your spouse have to do something about it, if you want the relationship to survive.
My straightforward approach to sex in a marriage has often been called “unromantic” or “too pragmatic.” There is some truth to this, but I prefer to describe my method as “a commonsense, easy-to-implement, and effective approach to a challenging time in a couple’s life.” And it works.
My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me: The 2- Minute Solution for a Happier Marriage is a self-help book about sex and communication in a marriage. It is a humorous and straightforward book that talks about the reality of a marital relationship, not about the fairy tale you see in movies. With this book, I hope to:
- First and foremost, challenge the traditional mind-set that good sex has to last for at least thirty minutes of foreplay, thirty minutes of penetration, and thirty minutes of cuddling.
- Share the truth about the differences between men and women in terms of sex drive, desire, and arousal.
- Offer a solution for the times when these differences widen, such as illness, stress, or being busy with work and parenthood.
- Help spouses understand each other’s experience and find the time, energy, and motivation for sex in a crazy and fast-paced day-to-day routine.
I am sure you have already picked up from the tone of the book that women (especially busy, tired mothers) are less interested in sex. And although this statement is true for many, many women and is the focus of this book, I also want to make it clear that I am not generalizing and I am not saying that this is every woman’s experience.
The truth, however, is that most women nowadays work full-time jobs, still take care of the children and the household, and sometimes help care for ailing parents, relatives, or friends. Most women who are physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from juggling all of these tasks just don’t have the energy or motivation to have sex.
Nonetheless, this is not one of those books that tell you it’s your job to keep your man happy. It’s not going to tell you to buy sexy lingerie, how to find anyone’s secret G-spot, how to give mind-blowing oral sex, or how to have one-hour-long orgasms several times a night. You can find that advice in each of the last five hundred issues of Cosmopolitan or Glamour magazine. Most likely, you already know how to do most of those things. Most likely you used to do some of these things. But today, that is such a thought of the past. Today, the only thing you are looking forward to is watching a few episodes of Scandal, snuggling with a good book and a glass of wine after the kids are asleep, or getting a full nine-hour beauty sleep.
In all fairness, I also know women who struggle with the extreme opposite situation: their husbands are not interested in sex. Although the core of this book is directed toward women with lower sex drive-related issues, the ideas in this book are very much applicable to both scenarios; thus, both men and women could benefit from reading it.
As a matter of fact, for best results, I encourage you to read this book with your partner. Reading this book together is an opportunity to find out how you both feel about the topic and to understand each other’s perspective. Furthermore, it is an opportunity to learn that you are not alone. The experience of whatever is happening (or not happening) in your marriage is shared by many, many other couples. That insight in itself is often therapeutic.
However, the most important part is that The 2- Minute Solution is a hands-on book that strongly encourages practice. No self-help book, no matter how great it is, will make a difference unless the readers are willing to practice the skills described. To help with the practice aspect of this book, I have included “The Insight Corner” at the end of each chapter. This box describes a variety of assignments that are supposed to make you think about, talk about, and do things that may be out of your comfort zone, but are great stepping-stones for change. Please remember that practice takes time and failure before one can experience long-lasting success.
Those who know me can vouch that I am a big believer in “practice what you preach,” so I can say that my husband and I have been working at these skills for about seven years. I won’t lie; it did take some work, but this work was worth the time and effort. And don’t get me wrong, these skills and ideas will not resolve all of your marital problems, and they will not prevent arguments from happening. As a matter of fact, we still experience ups and downs that make me doubt my expert status at times, but, overall, we have made it so far, and we still like each other.
Please keep in mind that I wrote this book to complement and not to replace other medical, pharmacological, psychological, and spiritual resources available for couples’ health and marital therapy. There will be times when it is recommended to consult your physician, a sex therapist, your pastor, a friend, or a relative on the thousands of things that could go wrong (or right) in your relationship. I wrote this book, however, to stimulate a different perspective.
The thoughts and sex-provoking ideas described in this book have helped many, but they may not be helpful to all. While I am a licensed psychologist with experience in couples’ therapy, I am not a physician or a licensed sex therapist. Please consult with a physician, especially if you have a condition that may affect your sexual endeavors.
Finally, just to cross this off the list and ward off all of the critics who may line up to say that this book will take women back to the dark ages, this is not about a “wife’s duty to perform” or about some sort of submissive perspective. I meant this book to be a modern and fresh “hands-on” approach (no pun intended) to highlight how biology, communication, and psychology can come together successfully and contribute to a loving and committed relationship in today’s fast-paced and often stressful home environment.
My Review –
If you follow my blog you know that I begin a lot of reviews with I loved this book or this book is great, but I’ve been fortunate to have access to wonderful books. My Spouse Wants More Sex Than I Do is one of those great books. I have admit that the title alone had me intrigued.
This book might best be explained in the following quote from the book.
The 2-minute solution is something that should be added to your weekly routine, just like eating, showering, brushing your teeth, or exercising. It is simply having sex for two minutes when requested by either of the partners.
It is based on a mutual understanding that the sex will last only two minutes and there are no expectations of anything else. It if turns into a full session and both partners are honestly fully on board, then by all means the rules can be changed. But if one partner is willing and only able to spare two minutes, then both spouses should stick to that.
No Guilting, No Whining, No Complaining!
This is not “wearing your black lace, hanging off a chandelier, rocking your partner’s world” kind of sex. It is “getting your partner off the fastest way possible” sex. This does not have anything to do with performance, yours or your partner’s.
This has nothing to do with expectations, because there are no expectations, other than getting sexually relief for the partner who absolutely needs it.
Does it sound simple enough? Well, it is. It is a very low-maintenance technique. All you need is a good lubricant, a timer, a willingness to change, an open mind, and a great sense of humor. For beginners, the mental mind-set may be a bigger challenge because you will have to let go of all preconceived ideas about sex, romance, roles, and expectations.
It is important for the high-desire spouse to understand that the 2-minute solution should absolutely not be used as a “bait and switch” diversion. It does not mean “Now that I am in, I am going to take twenty minutes and turn this into a love-making session.” This could happen, but let the low-desire partner decide that. If it doesn’t happen, let it go. Don’t pressure your spouse, and definitely don’t make your spouse feel guilty.
The other important detail is that the low-desire spouse needs to start initiating and offering the two-minute sessions and not wait for the high-desire spouse to come begging.
Okay, what did I just say (laughing out loud)? It is a fact of life that there is normally one partner who is a little (a lot) more interested in sex or needs sexual relief more than the other. And, let’s face it, sometimes we are just not in the mood (men and women). This truly does make sense. And I want to clarify, when the author says two minutes, it doesn’t mean literally two minutes; it might take five! But the concept is the same.
Let’s be truthful, who hasn’t been in the middle of something and the other partner is being annoying by trying to initiate sex? There have been times when I’ve been washing dishes and I’m thinking, “Really?” I’m just being honest. Well, even I can stop for “two minutes”.
Imagine a relationship where neither person is being refused what they need and no feelings are being hurt and everyone is satisfied. Well – it works for me.
I am giving My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me five stars. It really is a great book with a great idea. It is well written, has humor, and a great idea. Enjoy!
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