It’s that time of year again and it seems that everyone is either writing or talking about their New Year’s resolutions. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt the need to make a resolution. Isn’t it something we do in the recesses of our mind anyway, even if we don’t proclaim it? Why do we have the need to clarify thoughts of things we hope to accomplish when two weeks into the New Year, most have been forgotten?
The New Year for me is the same as any other day of the year. January 1st simply means the close of one disappointing holiday season and another year approaching. I no longer make Christmas wishes that I know will not come true. I know this because my wish has been the same for many years, and it’s gone unfulfilled.
Each year I tell myself that maybe this will be the year my daughters will choose to be a part of my life, and each year it doesn’t happen. There is no communication, no phone calls, no returned texts, no letters, nothing. So this year I made a difficult decision, a decision to move forward. No more wishes. No more disappointment. No more expectations. I made the decision to quietly put the past to sleep, as the past cannot be rewritten. It cannot be changed, and I cannot predict the future. The present is all I have and I need to try to make the present count. For self-preservation, that means no more wishes.
It really isn’t a New Year’s resolution that I’ve made, so much as a life resolution. My only aspiration in life was to be a mother. I am grateful for the sixteen years that I had as mother to my daughters, but that life is over, taken from me in a divorce. I’ve learned that one can mourn for a lifetime for pieces of their life, but it won’t bring them back. So, for this January first, I pulled off the black veil of mourning, and made the decision to move forward. I will shake the proverbial puzzle box and dump the contents out on the table and put a different puzzle together this year; a very different one, one without wishes.