My Morning Exercise Debacle

I call it my daily exercise routine but perhaps I should refer to it as my daily comedy routine. Leslie Sansone and I have a daily date; only difference is, she is exercising and I am just trying not to injure myself while attempting to follow her. If she only knew the revenue she was missing out on by not offering a DVD that is simply a warm-up – well, let’s just say, there would be one on the market tomorrow!

     After three months I have that warm up down pact! Okay – almost. Some days even that is just too fast a pace for me to follow. Now picture this (of course, your mind may not let you): We’re walking, little steps now, just warming up. Now, we’re gonna do side to side steps. We’ll start with the right leg. What? Which is my right again? Oh yeah, my left hand makes an L and I write with my right hand. I’m doing it! Just like her. Whoops! I’m off a leg. OK, back on track. Now, let’s take those legs a little farther out and let’s do small lunges. Excuse me, Leslie; this is me we’re talking about. You want me, Lucille Ball‘s protege, to do lunges. Oh! That’s easy. I can do it. I’m doing it. Hey! I’ve got the hang of it. Oh, now she wants to walk again. I can do that; walk, walk, walk. Oh goodness, now she wants me to do kickbacks. I don’t do kickbacks. I’m an honest person. Whoops! There goes the ottoman halfway across the room. Wow! Look at the scratch  on the wood floor. Back to a walk now, I’m getting the hang of it. Right, left, right, left. Does it really matter if I’m on the wrong foot? Whew! I made it through the warm-up. I am doing good. Now it’s time for the real stuff!

     Ok. We’re picking up the pace. We’re walking, and walking, and walking. Wow! We are going to hold weights as we walk. Cool. (She really has no idea who she’s dealing with.) Now she wants me to raise my arms straight up and down as we walk. Up, down, up, down, up… Ouch! What was that?! I hit the fan! Utoh – now it’s missin’ a blade or two or three. That’s alright; less in my way (I’m sure my husband won’t mind – he says the fan makes him cold – guarantee that won’t be happening anymore.) Up, down, up, down. That works for me. The fan has the same pace as I do with those missing blades; back to walking.
     We’ve done our mile. My favorite time again; cool down.  Warm up, cool down. I think I just caught on to that phrase. Small steps now; walk, walk, walk. Small kicks now; kick, kick, kick. We’re cooling down. Now we plant our feet wide – not too wide – and do mini squats (now tell me, are there any other kind?) Turn to the left (right?) and stretch the calf muscles by balancing yourself with your hands on your thigh. Does she have any idea who she’s talking to? I grab a couple of chairs and put one under each arm. OK – I’m stretching. I’m cool. Lean further into the stretch she says. Whoops! I don’t think I’m supposed to be on the floor; another scratch.

And, as I peer up from my precarious position on the floor, I see my dog, Sentry, is at the door. From the look on her face, she seems to be wondering if we’ve had an earthquake and no one informed her.  Serves her right for all the times she has hit every pipe under the house in her eagerness to chase the mail truck. Okay, I’m cooled down and stretched out.  The floor has been mopped with sweat and buffed shiny by my not so delicate fall from grace. I think I’ll just watch the rest. Hope I enjoyed the workout, she says. She hopes I’ll come back tomorrow. What the heck. See ya tomorrow Leslie!
     And people complain about exercising……